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Why do people want their partners to change?

Just curious..... we all know that feeling of when we first meet someon and we are very attracted to them. It is everything about them that makes them attractive to us. the way they talk, what they say, what they do, all the little things that makes them who they are.... we then date (hopefully) and as we spend more and more time together and become partners in the true sense of the word something happens which has me baffled.... our "partner" tries to change us maybe small ways sometimes bigger ways.. why is this? why are they trying to change us from who we are after all isn't that who they were attracted to in the first place? Seriously, if you want us to change into something else then perhaps you should have looked for the person with those traits to begin with but then maybe they still wouldn't be happy and would still try to change that person........ doesn't changing us from who we are stop us from being the person you were attracted to? I understand that people grow and that some things change for us but I say that they shouldn't take away those little things that make us well US.....

Last reply: 12th Dec 2012 / 10 replies / Post by Ralphy

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Shay-Dee

Posted by: Shay-Dee
Posted: 29th Nov 2010

Shay-Dee says: You know the saying "love is blind"?.
When you are first attracted to someone, you only see the things that you like and you 'tune' out the things you don't.
When the honeymoon period is over, is usually when people start trying to change the little things that annoy them, like their partner leaving socks all over the floor instead of in the clothes basket.

But if you want to change the big things, like the people they see, and the hobbies they have, you should be seeking love somewhere else Reply

Ralphy

Posted by: Ralphy
Posted: 30th Nov 2010

Shay-Dee says: You know the saying "love is blind"?.
When you are first attracted to someone, you only see the things that you like and you 'tune' out the things you don't.
When the honeymoon period is...

Ralphy says: True and I guess that it is only once you start to spend 24/7 with someone that their true selves really come out.... but come on perfect people like you and me wouldn't need changing would we? lol So Shay-Dee, what would someone want to try and change in you? Reply

Shay-Dee

Posted by: Shay-Dee
Posted: 30th Nov 2010

Ralphy says: True and I guess that it is only once you start to spend 24/7 with someone that their true selves really come out.... but come on perfect people like you and me wouldn't need changing would we? lol...

Shay-Dee says: Haha, probably the fact that I am loud .... And a bit lazy sometimes too ... Reply

Caz

Posted by: Caz
Posted: 12th Dec 2010

Caz says: Hey guys, I'm an oldie and have been with the same person now for a long time and you know what, its not so much wanting to change the other person it is really as you get into a lasting relationship you find out new things. Even after years together I/we are finding out new things that make you think about how well we really know each other. The other thing to remember is that each and everyone of us have our own way of thinking and doing things, this does not mean that you want to change the other person. I have also learnt that my mate is my best friend, my confidant and that person is slso the person that I turn to in my hour of need. What I am trying to say if you feel that you have to try and change someone then that person is not who you should be with.I could well be wrong being an oldie and all !!! Reply

bren

Posted by: bren
Posted: 18th Dec 2010

bren says: I think when we start living together both need to make changes to accommodate the other. .... and as long as they are 'functional' changes like putting the washing in the wash basket, putting the toilet seat down, and general co-operation in the running of the household, it is all in a good cause.
Essentially, those small changes are worth making and we do them willingly. But major changes like not watching the science fiction movies or not going for a run in the morning, are taking away individual choices of lifestyle and are more difficult to justify - that is part of makes me 'me'
Having said that, life is in a constant state of flux, and so too the way that affects relationships. To my mind an ideal partnership is one that is a fertile ground for individual growth and relationship growth, and should not be one of exerting restrictions and thwarting dreams, potential and ambitions. It should be one of fostering, supporting and sharing in the afterglow of the other's achievements. The relationship should have that synergy, where two together become greater than the sum of their parts.
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boyzmum

Posted by: boyzmum
Posted: 16th Feb 2011

boyzmum says: It comes down to when you first met your partner you seem to show your good side for sometime. Slowly we let go of our selves in more ways than one and the true colours start to show...sometimes this is a good thing and sometimes it's a bad thing...that's why we are all attracted to different people for different reasons and some of us are more tolerant of other's little quirks. Life is a big ball of candy we see the colours and flavours we like and sometimes they taste great and we always want that flavour and other times we try what we think is the right colour/flavour and it turns out not quite right...go figure!!! Reply

stretch

Posted by: stretch
Posted: 6th May 2011

stretch says: it works both ways
either with the clothes we wear
the way we speak
and in general even the jobs we take for granted
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Miss Prim

Posted by: Miss Prim
Posted: 1st Apr 2012

Miss Prim says: Well, I think my husband and I must be a lucky couple as we haven't tried to change each other, although we have changed gradually over the years ourselves. We say I love you every day to each other and don't let the sun go down on a disagreement. We rarely disagree but if we do we have fun making up. We are still so much in love as the day we married and it is coming up 26 years of a wonderful happy marriage. Reply

blondie2003au

Posted by: blondie2003au
Posted: 20th Sep 2012

blondie2003au says: soon as your comfortale they let out little annoying traits. Thoes traits they hid when you first meet . Ive been living with mine seven months now . we are both in our fortys.
there are times he is so sweet . then he does stupid things, things he would not like if the shoe was on the other foot . so we all do change .but some need to more then others Reply

senorita

Posted by: senorita
Posted: 12th Dec 2012

senorita says: Love is really blind. I was attracted to my partner at first sight. Before marriage, everything was fine, we love each other very much, we spent hours talking on mobile phone with sweet talk and compliments and romantic getaways. After marriage, everything changed. As couple, of course, we lived together, but never thought that I have to live with his family which causes more conflicts. He wants me to change to suit his family, especially his mother. And our values are different as I need to adapt to his family values. His family can't accept my personalities and the way I've grown up in different cultures. His mother is so big mouth and is always angry at anything. Do you agree that I should change to suit his mother's taste? Reply

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