Cafe Chat Discussion
13th Dec 2011 09:51am
Last Post 26th Aug 2014
I need to ask this simple question. At least I thought it was a simple question until I spoke to a few friends of mine who made me even more confussed. Why? Why do people that enter into relationships with their "eyes wide open" become blind to their chosen partner? what makes someone detail certain likes and dislikes then change their minds? why do people find it necessary to lie their way into a relationship? why can't people be honest not only with their partner but with themself? Ok maybe not a simple question lol... Some people will read this and say "Wow, what a cynical guy..." or "Someone did a number on him" but this is not true. In reality I am just sick of seeing people treat their "supposed" love one like crap. Let's face it, we meet someone, we are attracted to them, we sit and talk, sometimes for hours on end watching the sun come up as we disclose unto each other our deepest desires and wishes, our likes and dislikes.... who and what we are and yes sometimes even revealing those skeletons in the closet and our past, after all our past is important as it has shaped us into who we are today... at the end of "talk" we are both happy and move forward into a relationship and all of a sudden it all changes... sure it is exciting and new and fresh at the start and yes people do grow and their tastes change but seriously, do they change that much in such a short period of time to make them reneg on everything they had said? or is it justa game for some people? this is not gender specific, I have had conversations with both males and females and they have all been treated in this same way. How do we prepare ourselves for this to happen? how do we give our heart and soul to someone we think is special to us only to have them destroy all that you believe in? Why is it so hard to find that one person you want to spend the rest of your life with? that one person who is not only your lover but is your best friend, who you can't wait to come home and see, who is the first thing on your mind when you wake and the last thing as you fall asleep? really where has the romance gone, where has the commitment to each other gone? have we as a society made it so easy to fall in and out of love with little or no regard for how our "partner" might feel? seriously, I think the only hard part about a relationship breaking up (in the mind of the person doing the breaking) is that they don't want to feel like they are the bad person. So what do they do??? that's easy, they pick apaprt everything they used to find attractive in you and turn it into your fault to appease their own feelings of guilt... oh well who knows, maybe there is only one true soul mate out there for everyone and the rest are just almost or not quite types who give you all the heartache and pain to prepare you for when you do meet the "one"... then again maybe Im just full of crap lol.. Reply
16th Jan 2012 04:28pm
trix56 says: Oh boy Ralphy! You really know how to throw a few in there, don't you.
Let me tell my most recent story. My partner and I have been together on and off for around 7 years now. (I'm 55 he's 48) Most of our splits have had to do with interstate families. He's SA. I'm Vic. And we have moved between the 2 states.
We most recently split 2 days after Christmas. We seem to drift apart and then an incident which we might normally have weathered will split us up. Fortunately we do seem to have a deep and abiding love for each other and neither of us gives up without a fight.
We are back together after only a week apart.
It seems that when we get busy and have outside stresses on us that we lose each other a bit. And yes you are right. It then becomes a matter of every petty little thing you dislike becomes a major problem.
But as I said. We don't give up. Where we lost each other we concentrate more on finding each other again. And I think it was you about "lust or love" and in the finding each other we find renewed lust AND love.
People are often afraid of ending up alone. They are willing to sacrifice some of their ideals and principles at first to make sure that doesn't happen. But everyone can only keep going so long sacrificing. I believe many couples split when they realise the sacrifices don't tee up benefits.
19th Jan 2012 08:56am
sweetsunshine says: I wonder the same issues many times over... I feel that those of us who feel as you do and agree with you are "deep thinkers" and therefore a relationship has deeper meaning and so does "friend". Some people are not honest with themselves and they seem to live life skimming the surface. When these 2 types come together, at first it's refreshing because we are different, and it's like a breathe of fresh air. Then once life gets in the way the "skimmer" seems to breeze through situations we find important and therefore struggle with, as time progresses the "refreshing" nature of the relationship becomes the very reason for the gaping hole and suddenly those very same qualities are used against us in some kind of blame game....I could go on...I speak from experience and am right in the middle of the very same problems...I know it takes 2 people and many issues to cause a rift, however, I feel the "skimmers" just don't take it serious enough from the beginning and therefore put us "deep thinkers" at ease and we feel "wow this person really gets me" when really it's not that way at all..because after time it gets thrown back in your face.....
17th Feb 2012 11:14pm
TheMatchstickMan says: One of the truest little homilies i've ever heard deals with what we WANT to hear instead of what is actually said.
There are many teachings about the "filters" that people see things through and how these filters effect their reasoning and their reactions;
Take note of this: I know you think you understand what you thought I said - But I'm not sure that you realise that what you heard is not what I meant"...
To me that explains a lot of things about how and why people react in what others consider to be strange ways. Speak it out slowly and listen to what it is saying. I hope this helps
19th Oct 2012 12:20pm
lel14 says: this misguided and confusing idea that people have changing people into something they never were ....they fell in love with you as the person you are ....i believe people change others or want them to change .....is either faults they have that's why they recognize them .....and they cant change themselves or usually they don't know themselves they have them.......or its societys ideal or how they were raised .....they cant conform so they try changing you .....
Its puzzling the human mind .....especially when it becomes obsessive
7th Nov 2012 07:44pm
Gaye says: Don't give up on love there is someone for everyone ,it took me till 45 to find the right man ,but remember love is real and not a movie,there is good and bad in all relationships ,the honeymoon doesn't last last forever,a deep contented love sets in with little surprises along the way ,I am marrying my best friend and that is we're we started as friends ,live love and be happy
26th Aug 2014 01:09pm
senorita says: Hi Ralphy, before marriage, it was good relationships, I miss my partner each day and we talk a lot and share our opinions. But after marriage and living together, there are responsibilities, commitment and values ahead of us. Living together with the in-laws was the most difficult part. Culture and values are different and tend to disagree sometimes. Opinions and ideas differ most of the times and it seems woman has to agree with the husband choices.
I felt so sad to learn that my husband does not like my personality and want me to change. Therefore, think first before committing to marriage.
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