Cafe Chat Discussion
31st Aug 2011 01:59pm
Last Post 25th Sep 2011
Discussion: Open relationships
I would like to hear peoples thoughts on married couples who have so called (open relatinships), and who "arent" sexually active with each other, ie what does it mean to you, what restrictions (if any) should be placed on the partner (if only 1 of the couple is into seeking fun elsewhere) and the other 1 isnt interested.
23rd Sep 2011 08:55am
Jason says: In this day and age, it's a social risk to stand up for what is right in the sexual/relationship arena. The accusations flow too easily if we stand up to the whims of people's desires, which change like the wind.
One thing I know to be true, is that every action has a consequence, whether we deny it or not. We all have the power of choice and it is within that power of choice that we contribute positively or negatively towards each others lives.
Though the following statement could be judged as an antiquated moralistic point of view, my thoughts on the question are that human beings are made to enter into relationships with the intention of looking out for the needs of the other, not self-seeking. Rather than explore the supposed restrictions and rules that are meant to govern an 'open relationship', it would be prudent for the two people involved to sit down and assess whether there is a genuine interest and love for each other and discuss the motives that are currently keeping you together. There is a tremendous beauty and happiness to found in the commitment that two people make when they promise to share intimacy, both emotional and physical, with only each other. This endeavour, that takes much work and dedication, is a rewarding journey of discovery, exhilaration and pure pleasure.
In this brief statement you won't find all the answers, but it's a start and a thought to consider. I encourage you to continue looking for your answer with patience and clarity of mind. Use the many avenues we have available to us, whether it be people around us who we trust, that have successful relationships, the many books that offer council and guidance or the professionals who make themselves available to walk specifically through your queries/circumstance and offer possible solutions and/or strategies catered to your needs.
It is my sincerest desire that you find what your seek very soon.
It is your right/responsibility Melada and all our privilege as human beings to love and be loved in return. Let's honour each other with this love.
23rd Sep 2011 09:57am
Jason says: In this day and age, it's a social risk to stand up for what is right in the sexual/relationship arena. The accusations flow too easily if we stand up to the whims of people's desires, which change...
Melada says: Hello Jason, many thanks for taking the time to reply to my question, I had an allteria motive in asking this, and hope i dont upset you with my "sneakiness" in asking this question in the way i did.
I am actually struggling with some aspects of my life right now and dont know what i want or were im going, only that at the moment i am seeing a guy who "was not" honest with me at the start and led me to believe he was single, when in fact he is still "happily" married so he says, and he also says he is in a "open relationship" and i find it difficult to fathom that if he was in a open relationship why he couldnt be honest with me in the first place.
Anyway long story short, he owned up and told me he was married, his wife found out about us, we have become friends all 3 of us, he gets no affection from her but he wont give me more than 1 day a week to spend it with him.
I am finding it difficult to break away as i have fallen for him, so my life is in limbo till i decide what too do with myself in regards to having to share this man OR seek and find 1 who can give me love everyday not just 1 day a week, but then the question arises "Is it love" or just a "sexual outing" on both our parts, him because he cant get it at home and myself as i am on my own and have no one.
Not only is his home life lacking sexual contact, which to a point can be tolerated if you truly love the person but there is no intimacy, no hugging, no bodily contact, between him and his wife, so yet again im thinking "why" cant he leave her ?
He has said to me he cant go the week without having that body contact with me ie hugs and cuddles etc not just the sex and that we have something more between us than just "bed buddies".
As i said im lost atm as im enjoying his company he takes me away on holidays and business trips rather than spend it with his wife and i know your prob thinking i hanging around for the trips and wine and dine dinners, in all honesty im not, i dont need all of what he offers me except his companionship, friendship and loving manner and the other stuff he offers me are just added but not necessary "extras" all of which are lacking in my life if i was too lose this man, and im in love with him also which makes it dreadfully hard to break free.
Anyway thanks again for your reply, i bet i have opened a can of worms on the subject now with my response.
23rd Sep 2011 10:35am
Annie says: I also have some problems with this, as did Jason. I have always said I could forgive my husband of anything except stepping out of the marital bed. I have always considered that that is the one thing I could NEVER forgive, marriages/partnerships last on a basis of mutual respect, trust and friendship, even when the going gets tough, (and it does in all relationships at sometime or other) and if you no longer have that, there is little point in being together.
Even if the other partner could forgive, they would NEVER forget, and always be looking for signs that there was yet another person in the "marriage".
Unfortunately, I have had to alter my stance on this point, as after nearly 21 years of blissful marriage with a healthy sex life, I was diagnosed with bi polar two years ago at the age of 50. The medication that I now have to take has caused me to put on 20k in the last two years, and also makes it extremely difficult to lose. (So they treat the depression and give you "mood stabilising" drugs, but the side effects of weight gain depress you more !, and whilst taking dexamphetimine to keep you "up" you have to take yet another drug to help you sleep, which also contributes to not being able to loose the weight).
We have not had sex in two years, also a side effect from the medication, I am just not interested, and have even tried testosterone treatment, didn't work either.
So this is a further depressive feature, especially when I would love to be able to have the close sexual relationship we once shared.
As my husband is only 44, I am a firm believer that men of his age need that release, and I am unable to provide it, therefore, I have to accept that at some point he may look for it elsewhere. This frightens me immensely, and I am sure he has not relented to this yet, but there is just no way I can just "lie back and think of England", as he would know I was just "going through the motions".
I provide the above info to give you an insight into how ditressing it can be for the other partner, I have no wish to start checking his phone or wallet or emails to see if he has found someone to give his the sexual gratification he needs, but I am fearful because I believe that there is no way you can enter into a sexual relationship with someone without having any loving feeling for them, and he is a very caring, loving person, they broke the mould when they made him.
I'm not sure if it is you or your partner who is interested in persuing an "open relationship", but for the one who is not interested in doing so, it must be devastating realising that they can not fulfull the others needs, I know I am.
Are you able to sit down and discuss why you don't have a sexual relationship with each other (anymore ?, or was it ever ?), and what you could do to introduce/re-intriduce this back into your lives. It doesn't have to be combative, just over a nice dinner, candlelight, and a nice bottle of wine. Discuss what "turns you on" (remember, nothing is abnormal in a loving relationship), go out together and buy some sexy lingerie, sex toys, whatever, but do make an effort to get yourselves back to a physical relationship, because if you head down the track you are looking at, all I can see is everyone getting very badly hurt, emotionally, and financially.
If you/they are that unhappy with your/their lot, put an end to the marriage now, and try to find what you/they are looking for elsewhere.
I know that my husband has stood behind me, supporting me through this terrible time, and that is what it's all about. I married my best friend, my soulmate and hopefully one day soon again, my lover.
GOOD LUCK, hope you make the right decision for you, but remember "the grass is always greener........................."
24th Sep 2011 11:19am
Annie says: I also have some problems with this, as did Jason. I have always said I could forgive my husband of anything except stepping out of the marital bed. I have always considered that that is the one...
Bellxchat says: My parter and I haven't been very active sexually since I had a hysterectomy (because of a lousy pap-smear result) almost 2 years ago. He's 10 years my junior, but there's been no question about him seeking solace elsewhere. We love each other, and have worked around a different style of sexuality: there's a lot more to love-making than penis/vagina. Intimacy and closeness can still be had when there's goodwill, affection and love on both sides.
23rd Sep 2011 01:35pm
Jill says: I am going to give the point of view from being the extra person in a so called open relationship. I have got involved in this twice. The first time one partner was no longer in love and so there wasn't any sex and they went looking else where, this is not ideal. From my point of view it all starts as a bit of fun but as you can guess it didn't end that way. We did fall in love because there was no love coming from anywhere else. But because of the way the relationship start it didn't last as I am sure you all would have expected. On the other occasion (and I am sure some of you will now be saying-your a slow learner) we were good friends who just found each other attactive and so we flirted and one thing lead to another. So far so good. It does make it hard if you want a parnter in all areas just not in the bedroom. But if you know the rules (he isn't going to leave because of the kid) so just have a bit of fun-what do the young people call it-(f/buddies). The couple have discussed going elsewhere because that doesn't work in their relationship anymore - so for now I'm just going with the flow. Hopefully a good friendship will not be wrecked.
23rd Sep 2011 05:18pm
Jill says: I am going to give the point of view from being the extra person in a so called open relationship. I have got involved in this twice. The first time one partner was no longer in love and so there...
Melada says: Hello Jill, Thanks for your reply, the problem i have is firstly the guy i am seeing is not my partner we found each other on a dating site on the net and things blossomed from there. On our first date i asked him "how long have u been single" he answered "just recently 3 or 4 weeks" and i beleived him, it wasnt till some weeks after that he told me the truth, which was "Im still married and very happily married" by that time i had fallen for the guy, then he says one evening at dinner, my wife wants to meet you, I thought wtf, anyway we met had dinner and she told me she was happy for me to keep seeing her husband as i was making him happy and giving him something she couldnt give him, in the mean time while he was seeing me his wife would sit at home alone, but she did tell me herself there marriage was 'open" and she is finding other partners herself now rather than look towards her husband, but its not because i have taken hold of him and hacve dragged hiom away from her, in fact she gets to spend 99.9% of her time with him, were as i get 1 nite a week with him and thats it, im thinking if she cant give him what he wants, but i can then let him come to me full time, bugger this "open relationship" plan, we both have kids all the same ages 18 up to 22 there old enough to understand, but i will point out again in case anyone is misunderstanding, the guy i am seeing is not my partner nor boyfriend nor have we ever been married nor lived defacto and yes u are right the young ones call it F/Buddies my "friend" calls it "Friends with Benefits"..i prefer the latter. Im just wondering if i am wasting my time in this "At arms length, relationship" as i dont ever see being able to spend more than 1 nite a week with this guy while ever he stays with his wife and he is given her blessing to do so, manyn thanks for the replies ive recieved, its good to hear different outlooks on a topic thats taboo to some people.
23rd Sep 2011 06:45pm
Melada says: Hello Jill, Thanks for your reply, the problem i have is firstly the guy i am seeing is not my partner we found each other on a dating site on the net and things blossomed from there. On our first...
Jill says: Melada, I will give you the cold hard facts and I know this because I have been where you are right now. While you are in this "at arms, very limited relationship" you are stopping yourself from being available to meet someone who really deserves you. How can a guy (a nice guy) really love someone but be with someone else. They can't ..I know this..it's just a cop out..they want to have there cake and eat it too. Some men see this as a easy way to have all their needs meet and not disrupt there current lives too much..if I leave I will lose money and the house etc etc..
You may think all this is funny coming from me..being that I am the other women..but its true...we are easy targets because we are looking for love because we are lonely. So we except the crumbs they offer. We derserve better. As you said the children are not young and there is no GOOD reason for him not to leave his wife and treat you to the whole of him as you deserve. But the lying way your friendship or whatever (Ithink friends with benefits sounds nicer too) started means even if he left his wife you would not end up happy with him. Sometimes we need to spent a little time on our own instead of with the wrong people. I do know very well this is all easier said than done. I wish you all the best in working your way through this situation. You love him I know, but he is using you. You deserve to be loved completely. All the best for the future.
23rd Sep 2011 06:59pm
Jill says: Melada, I will give you the cold hard facts and I know this because I have been where you are right now. While you are in this "at arms, very limited relationship" you are stopping yourself from...
Melada says: Thanks Jill, You and so many have said the same thing, "You deserve better" and i kno i do, I am the "other woman" too, But in saying that, Im reluctant to do anything about it atm..I am lonely and even though its only 1 nite a week spent with him physically, we have contact everyday via text, not once or twice but mayb half a dozen texts during the day and then again chatting on MSN EVERY NITE, its almost like hes on his own when he can give me so much time like this, I am forever hopeful that me being in his back pocket like that "and he recipricates" with texts etc, that theres hope for us yet..or am i being a fool ?
23rd Sep 2011 07:18pm
Jill says: Sorry but I think you are being a fool... I don't mean that nasty because by saying that I am aslo saying that I have been a fool also. It's a hard cycle to break. Your lonely and so we take what we can get. I know the bit about talking all night on the computer too. It's like if you can do this and have so much time why can't you be with me right now. Yet 6 nights a week you go to sleep without him.
Why ??? We are cutting yourself of from finding our real love...the one that will be around all the time. Take care of yourself and I hope you break the cycle quicker than I did.
23rd Sep 2011 07:31pm
Jill says: Sorry but I think you are being a fool... I don't mean that nasty because by saying that I am aslo saying that I have been a fool also. It's a hard cycle to break. Your lonely and so we take what...
Melada says: Thanks Jill, I admire your honesty and i dont take it to heart as i often think of myself as being foolish, I sometimes need to hear it from others as i doubt myself a lot, as you said "I hope you can break the cycle quicker than you did" well i have been dating this guy for 18 months now and i am hooked i mean seriously hooked and i feel its going to be harder than a ever to break "the cycle" especially since his wife has given us her blessing to see each other weekly even if its only 1 night, my god..any other woman would have ripped my throat out for sleeping with her husband BUT she knows herself i am making him happy and i too am happy atm my mind just wanders from time too time, and i know the longer i wait the harder its going to get.
25th Sep 2011 07:59am
Melada says: Thanks Jill, I admire your honesty and i dont take it to heart as i often think of myself as being foolish, I sometimes need to hear it from others as i doubt myself a lot, as you said "I hope you...
Ollie says: I don't think you are 'happy at the moment', maybe lonely and receptive of what you choose to tell yourself is love and attention. At one day a week, you are nowhere 'equal' to his other..... maybe second. You are being 'used' and flattered to keep this situation for his own self serving needs. What about your needs.... your mind wanders... assuming you want more.
Love has a basis of respect and trust, where you are nurtured and considered. There is none here. This male is buttering both sides of his bread for his own self serving greed. What an ego !!
If you truly thought this was enough for you, then you would not be writing the way you have here ....
Do you think this is all you deserve...? If this man has any ability to consider another, it is with the person he chooses to spend 6 days a week, not his sex toy... you! You would NEVER be able to trust this person, it's all about him, and then more, which you are enabling. This is not love!!!!! And whilst you fantasize about what could be, it is not reality .... but all in your head. This man will never give you a worthy relationship. You are nothing but a pawn in his /and his wife's game. His reality is with her.
As others have said, whilst you imagine you are so involved with this person, you are not open to finding 'real' love and commitment. See it for what it is...you are not special to him, just filling a void. See how quickly he will move on to someone else if you tell him its over.... because he can... so he will.
He knows how to flatter you to get what he wants. Don't you deserve more ???
24th Sep 2011 11:14am
Bellxchat says: Openess and honesty are first and foremost in all relationships, and especially in intimate relationships. When we are not true to ourselves, and resist "what is", then comes unhappiness and suffering. Wanting it to be different doesn't make it different, but making changes in our thinking and behaviour will. Keep moving in the direction of your own happiness and integrity, and a better life will open up to you. Simple, not always easy, but simple.
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